Every night when I try to fall asleep, my mind starts racing. I run my day through my head like its a little movie staring myself. I think of all the things I could have done differently. I pick myself apart. There are so many things in my life that I want to change but I have no control over. I can’t stop someone from saying something negative about me- no matter how much I try to convince myself that I can. My past follows me everywhere I go, even though I try to run away. You’d think leaving my old school would put a stop to the cyber bullying, but it didn’t. All leaving did was eliminate the physical and verbal bullying that followed me around every corner of my old school. There was no place I could go that I was safe. I don’t tell many people about the body guard I had, I hate admitting that I was so hated I had to have a body guard to keep me safe. Its just apart of my story. For my last three weeks at Grand Blanc I had a security guard shadow me everywhere around the school- it was even unsafe for me to go to the bathroom alone. You always see in movies the kids that would eat their lunches in the bathroom and while they are eating they over hear people talking about them… well that was me. Not the mean girls, the girl sitting on the toilet feasting over whatever food she could manage to scarf down before the stench got to her and forced her to stop. From the hateful Anti-Mandy tee shirts and signs plastered everywhere in my school, to the fights kids would stir up between the few kids that had my back and my entire grade that hates my guts. I’m pretty sure if I was dead, the whole class of 2015 and a few individuals from other grades at Grand Blanc would still talk about me. It’s weird to think people could hate you for being yourself. I’ve always thought of myself as a warm caring person. All I ever wanted was to have the opportunity to be someone’s best friend and to be there for them through it all- the hard times and good. I want to be able to share my heart with others and touch them in a way that I know I’ve impacted their lives for the better. All I’ve ever wanted to be in life is an inspiration.
So many things in the world inspire me- from that little dent in the wall, to that snag in a cozy sweater. Paintings, quotes, colors, they all have a different meaning. Celebrities can impact your lives in ways you could never imagine. Just look at how much Ellen Degenerous, my biggest inspiration, has overcome in her life. If anyone can show you that you can be successful and overcome bullying, it has to be her. I can’t imagine the amount of hate she received when she publicly announced that she was gay. Society has finally lost the energy to hate on that tiny little character trait. Ellen is a wonderful person with a heart of pure gold. When you need help, no matter how big, Ellen lends a helping hand. I hope to one day touch the amount of lives that she has helped change.
I’ve wanted to be famous for as long as I can remember, but I never quiet knew what I wanted to be famous for. My talents change from time to time, but the desire to be famous is driven by the opportunity to become an inspiration. If I could inspire one person to be a better version of themselves- who knows what they could become and whose lives they could touch. I know someone inspired Ellen to be the person she is today. As a wonderful young girl Rachel once said “you never know when you may just start a chain reaction”. I believe the same goes for inspiration.
I feel my true calling in this world is to let other bully victims see suicide is not the answer. If I chose to take my life over what keeps happening to me, like many of my peers do, I would never have the opportunity to be an inspiration to anyone. I want to be an example of life after bullying. Its not every day that you seeing a bully victim “success” story so to speak. Why can’t I be the person to change that?
My thoughts keep me up at night. I know without over analyzing each and every little detail that goes on in my life, I probably wouldn’t be half the person I am today. My past follows me everywhere- its baggage I can’t get rid of. Without that baggage always on my shoulder I’d have nothing to push me to be a better person. I’m not ashamed of anything I have done in the past because I’m not ashamed of being myself. In fact, I couldn’t be more proud of myself for having the courage to continue to be the real me. Don’t ever be afraid of who you are! There will always be haters and you’ll always have supporters. The important thing is to allow yourself to reminisce on your day and be proud of the amazing person you are. Nothing can come in the way of your dreams unless you let it. You’re bullied, not broken.
About bulliednotbroken
This is my story, read it and weep.
bulliednotbroken 