Kairos

This was written my last night on Kairos:

I’ve been longing for the joy I have inside me right now. At this very moment, I feel like I finally have closure. I’ve always wondered what if would feel like to no longer carry these grudges I’ve held so closely to my heart. In a weird way, I was cherishing these grudges because I thought they made me the person I am now. Last night I realized the person who I have become wasn’t a result of holding grudges on everyone who has hurt me in the past. I am a result of the consent love and support Powers has surrounded me with I carry a piece of everyone I’ve met here in my heart. I’ve learned how to act, love, praise, laugh, cry, confide, and trust from my peers who I am now blessed to call my sisters. Everyone here has showed me I am not alone. I’ve always said that I am bullied, not broken. Yet, I have always felt broken. I can now say I have the courage to close my story and open my heart to a new book in my life. A book in a different library, filled with different people, different experiences, and nothing but happy memories. 

Realisation

I’ve always thought I was alone in my struggles, but now I know I am not. Everyone has their own battles and a different way to fight it. We are all a solider in Christ. He does not give us battles we cannot overcome. He lends a hand to hold when we need one, a shoulder to cry on. He has ears to listen with, and is more than willing to help carry the multiple suitcases full of our baggage. He is the dream boy you’ve always been searching for; He is the best friend you’ve dreamt of having. He is ready and willing, why am I holding back? It is time to let go, and let God take over. Allow Him to guide you on this strange journey we call life.

Now you’ve realize your story isn’t all that unique, and neither should the ending to your strong be. Put the past aside, leave your bags behind. You are no longer broken, you no longer have to live with the label of bullied. This Mandy, is your time to be free.

Every Day I Remember Who I Am.

Every day I feel like I’m begging for friends,
Every day I feel like I’m begging for acceptance,
Every day I feel like I’m begging to leave this all behind.
Every day I feel like I’m hiding behind a label,
Every day I feel like I’m hiding behind a smile,
Every day I feel like I’m hiding who I am.
Every day I feel like I’m not good enough,
Every day I feel like I’m not pretty enough,
Every day I feel like I’m not acknowledge by my peers.
Every day I feel like I’m worthless.
Every day I feel like I’m useless.
Every day I feel like I’m hated.
Every day I feel like I’m judged.
Every day I put all my feelings aside.
Every day I thank God for oxygen.
Every day I am happy to be alive.
Every day I tell my family I love them.
Every day I show gratitude towards those who love me.
Every day I count my blessings.
Every day I start to feel a little better.
Every day I try to do good.
Every day I laugh.
Every day I become more positive.
Every day I spread that positivity.
Every day I embrace myself.
Every day I choose to be extraordinary.
Every day I remember I’m bullied- not broken.

Why Me?

It randomly just hit me that I go to a catholic high school. CATHOLIC! I’m not catholic, what in God’s name am I doing here? Thats it, God’s name. God wanted me to find Him, and believe in Him. Then why did He put me through hell at Grand Blanc? That question still haunts me everyday.

He gives his hardest, worst, most terrifying battles to his strongest solders. But I’m not strong? You see, thats where I must have it wrong. If I wasn’t strong, why did I survive what I did. If I wasn’t strong, why am I alive today. 7% of kids who are cyber-bullied commit suicide- why haven’t I? I’ve thought about it, you know.. I thought about who’d miss mr, who’d show up to my funeral, who would laugh and celebrate. Its an honest thought, I know I’m not the only one who has thought this. I’m not going to end my life and not be missed. I am determined to be remembered. I must become an inspiration before I die, I have to have an impact on someone’s life in a positive way. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. God has a reason behind every action, what’s His reason for this? That I am determined to find out. 

I wasn’t going down the wrong path at Grand Blanc, at least I didn’t think so. I wash;t turning against God- I was never really for HIm. God never had a purpose in my life. I was, however, unhappy at Grand Blanc. I’ve never been a mean person, but I was starting to become that way. Grand Blanc brought out the worst in my personality: I became negative, put up a hard outer shell, I am embarrassed to admit that.I left grand Blanc because I was unhappy and unsafe; but why did I come to Powers? 

Today I was sitting in Chemistry working on my assignment, day dreaming about clothes- as always. I was thinking about what I wore the past week, past month, and even the past year. Past year? Really Mandy? I thought I blocked all of last year out- but apparently I didn’t. A year go this February 17, my life changed forever. Some would say my life changed for the better. February 22nd was my first day at Grand Blanc High school. I have never and will never look back on my situation and wish I would have stayed at Grand Blanc. Grand Blanc was pushing me towards suicide, making me believe that was my only hope and answer. I know if I was still there today, I wouldn’t have been alive to tell my story So maybe that is why God brought me to Powers..

I am who I am today because of who I once was. I was designed to become who I am right now. This is my future, this is my life. I was supposed to become who I am because this is God’s plan for me.

Suicide is not the Answer

“Your skin isn’t paper, don’t cut it. Your life isn’t a movie, don’t end it.”

Thank You for Being Pretty Amazing

    I feel so blessed to have so many amazing people leaving heartfelt comments on my blog. You all have filled my heart with so much love. I will try to take the time and respond to each and every one of you. I am filled with so much joy knowing I can be an inspiration to some of you. I have decided to enter Seventeen Magazine’s Pretty Amazing contest. I want to become an inspiration to people everywhere, not just on here. I truly believe I can help save a life by sharing my story.

     Thats what I want in life, to inspire people. Much as all of you have inspired me to become a better version of myself. I’m proud to say I’ve become an inspiration to many people on the blogging community as well as my peers. If I can save just one life on this planet, my life would be fulfilled.  I want to be able to share my heart with others and touch them in a way that I know I’ve impacted their lives for the better. All I’ve ever wanted to be in life is an inspiration. I want to let people know there will always be haters and you’ll always have supporters. The important thing is to allow yourself to reminisce on your day and be proud of the amazing person you are. Nothing can come in the way of your dreams unless you let it. I want to show people that you can be bullied, but never broken. Thank you again for all for your kind words and for showing be in not broken, just bullied.

My Whole Story

 

I’ve always been afraid to tell people the whole story behind my departure from my old life. I’ve always gotten so many laughs or doubts about it I’ve figured it better to leave this little bit out. My whole story makes sense without it. All the bullying I receive has happened before this incident, and continues to happen after. I received Twitter and Facebook hate for many years before what I am about to tell you happened, but this incident made everything so much worse. I’m afraid of what you may think about what I’m about to say. I know deep down in my heart I’ve done nothing wrong, even though it seemed to all of my old school that I haven’t. 

I’m not one of those girls who have started their own company or charity, I haven’t spent hours in a soup kitchen. I belong in a separate category- cyber bully survivor. I wish I could meet other girls that have survived what I’m constantly put through, but there are few. Sadly, most sevior bully victims have taken their lives, in fact about 7% of high school students take their lives due to it. I am a cyberbully victim, I am not suicidal. 

All I’ve ever wanted to be was an inspiration. My whole life I’ve drempt of the day people come up to me telling me how I’ve impacted their lives. I never could pin point what I would do to become an inspiration, but I thought I would be older than I am. I am almost 16 and have been cyber bullied since I was 14. It all started when I witnessed my friend being sexually harassed and told the administration. Big mistake. Yes, I got it stopped, but it only made my life and my friends life worse. I couldn’t walk through the school without “Free Joe” being screamed at me or plastered on my locker. The halls were filled with signs and tee shirts saying “Free Joe”. It was a matter of hours for everything to move from school to social networking sites and from “Free Joe” to hatred specifically towards me. My best friends even turned against me. Hate groups and hundreds of tweets later- I became a target. I wasn’t safe at my public high school or online. I’ve never been one to run from my problems- but when your life was endangered, what else is there to do? I left my public high school and was homeschooled for a marking period. My family and I thought that by taking me out of my school, I would no longer be in harms way and all the tweets and Facebook post would stop. Sadly we were wrong.
I have switched to my local private high school and will never look back. The rumors started at my old school have spread to my new school and most all of the schools in my county. Everyone has heard the nasty rumors about me and most have joined in. However my school now has try to stopped it- thats something the Administration at my old school never tried to do, after promising they would. My school now is a family. Everyone knows my story and doesn’t judge me. Instead they help me fight my battle. I have been “trending” locally on twitter seven brutal times. I refuse to let any of that change me.
Things have been better lately. My new school is truly a family. When things are hard I know I have a whole school behind me that will make sure I’m ok. Nothing will ever happen to me here. When things me about are posted on social networking sites, someone from my new school has already stuck up for me before I get the chance to see it. This is the difference between having true friends and having fake ones. Fake ones help pass the time, they come and go when its convenient for them. True friends may only show up during the hard times, but thats when you need them most. You see, good people make good friends and will always do the right thing. If you need someone to help hold you up, a true friend will be there. Thats the difference between my school now and my old school. My new school is filled with good people. 
I’m glad God chose me to go through this struggle. Im not so sure he could have allowed anyone else to go through my struggle and made it out alive. He gives his hardest battle to his strongest warriors. I’ve learned that sometimes its okay to not be okay. I might have left my past, but my past hasn’t left me. Things have happened perviously that will haunt me for the rest of my life, but they’ve also taught me some valuable life lessons.  My biggest fear is that someone that has seen what I went through and is afraid to speak up and say she is being sexually harassed because of the way my story has been written. I know I did the right thing , I saved my friend’s life. Don’t ever be afraid to do the right thing, ever.

I can leave my past, but my past never leaves me. 

The Broken Girl

       I’m so broken. I can’t get over what has happened in the past and what continues to happen to me today. It haunts me every second of my life. I’m sick of faking a smile, faking a laugh, and faking my life. I pretend to be this happy go lucky, bubbly, sweet girl; but deep down inside I’m not. I’m broken. I don’t know how to deal with everything that keeps happening in my life. I wouldn’t describe what I want in life as love- I would describe it more as someone tot help me to gain freedom. I want to feel like I can be myself without being judged. I have tried, and I continue to try to this day to be who I want to be but I still feel like there is that one person out there who is just dying to say something bad  about me. I’m coming from a place where I received plenty of attention- in all the wrong ways. I was never myself because I learned early on people don’t like it. If it was up to me I’d be happy and care free. I’d let the wind blow through my hair and enjoy the sunshine on a beautiful day instead of sitting in my dark room fearing reality. I’d put a real smile on my face rather than fake one. I would have friends that I actually feel I can trust because I’d give them the opportunity to be trusted. I fear all of my friends turing on me as my old friends once did and continue to do. I wouldn’t be afraid to talk my peers like I am around almost everybody. There are only a few people that I can honestly say I feel safe talking around. I guess I just have trust issues. 
I don’t want to feel this broken- but I know I have to face reality and move on. Not everyone in life is going to like me- I understand that. What I don’t get is why I’m so afraid to live my life, my real life. I go through the day trying to act like this happy girl so I can avoid being asked if I’m ok. I’m embarrassed about what has happened in my past. I’m afraid people look at me and and think “Oh she was bullied, we better be nice to her” or “Oh thats the girl that shoved a lightbulb up her butt?” I pray for the day that rumor stops- I have never and will never EVER stick a lightbulb up my ass. 
When even your mom is telling you not to be yourself and be this fake person so people will like you- it gets harder and harder every day to even remember who you really are. I really want to end my life and start a new one. One with new people, a new name. I want to have the opportunity to write a new story- one with a happy ending instead of a sad one. I deal with things by attempting to forget about them. If I don’t think about it and totally block it out of my life then everything will go away right? If only it was that easy.
What I need more than anything is someone to help me pick up the baggage that I’m stuck carrying around. It’s not unfair to say I have baggage because I do. Its a good thing I’m not flying anywhere anytime soon because my baggage fees would cost me a fortune. Inside my suitcases are labels I’ve picked up throughout my life: “freak” “weirdo” “slut” “ugly” “anorexic” “lightbulb girl” “that girl” “bullied” “broken” “bad news” “nightmare” “no good” “embarrassment”. I can’t count on both hands the number of times I’ve been laughed at or publicly humiliated. Everywhere I go there’s something who has a negative attitude about me, I can feel it. I’m probably one of the most talked about person you’ll ever meet. Everyone seems to know who I am and knows my false story. I’ll often meet new people and they’ll either ask me why I left Grand Blanc with a smirk on their face or they’ll ask me if I really stuck a lightbulb up my butt. It’s not unusual for me to get the “you’re that girl” look. I am that girl- the one who’s known for all the wrong reasons. 
If I could find someone who’s brave enough to help me unpack my suitcases and help me carry around the baggage I can’t seem to eliminated from my life- I’d be all set. I need a partner to grieve with, someone I know I can trust and that I know isn’t getting annoyed with me. There are some people out there who I feel are willing to help me- I just don’t know how to trust people. I have trust issues. I fear that everyone is trying to tear me down into pieces, trying to break me like I’m made of glass. I know I’m stronger than this, I have to be stronger than this, I have to believe that I can get better if I get the help I need.
 All I need is someone who I can call a friend; someone who I know will actually listen and cares to listen. I can’t help but feel like I’m the most annoying person on the planet. You know- the one that is constantly crying and can’t go anywhere without it looking bad for the person who she is with, the one who feels like she doesn’t deserve friends when deep down inside all she’s ever wanted was someone who she can love and be there for because she’s never had anyone who stays in her life. I’m the girl not a single person has stayed with after things get harder and harder. If you’re reading this right now and thinking to yourself that you’re my friend and have been my friend through the hard times, think again. I guarantee that after the next few times I’m being publicly bashed you will be embarrassed to be my friend and join in on the bashing because its the easy way out of things. You can try to say you’re different and you won’t be that way, but everyone else in my life has ended up turning on me- as much as I don’t want to think you would possibly turn against me, I do. Peer pressure is hard to go up against, thats why most of us fall through. I beg you to be different, but my baggage drives me to believe otherwise. Maybe you are different, maybe you want to be friends with this broken girl. Only time will tell.

An Inspiration

Every night when I try to fall asleep, my mind starts racing. I run my day through my head like its a little movie staring myself. I think of all the things I could have done differently. I pick myself apart. There are so many things in my life that I want to change but I have no control over. I can’t stop someone from saying something negative about me- no matter how much I try to convince myself that I can. My past follows me everywhere I go, even though I try to run away. You’d think leaving my old school would put a stop to the cyber bullying, but it didn’t. All leaving did was eliminate the physical and verbal bullying that followed me around every corner of my old school. There was no place I could go that I was safe. I don’t tell many people about the body guard I had, I hate admitting that I was so hated I had to have a body guard to keep me safe. Its just apart of my story. For my last three weeks at Grand Blanc I had a security guard shadow me everywhere around the school-  it was even unsafe for me to go to the bathroom alone. You always see in movies the kids that would eat their lunches in the bathroom and while they are eating they over hear people talking about them… well that was me. Not the mean girls, the girl sitting on the toilet feasting over whatever food she could manage to scarf down before the stench got to her and forced her to stop. From the hateful Anti-Mandy tee shirts and signs plastered everywhere in my school, to the fights kids would stir up between the few kids that had my back and my entire grade that hates my guts. I’m pretty sure if I was dead, the whole class of 2015 and a few individuals from other grades at Grand Blanc would still talk about me. It’s weird to think people could hate you for being yourself. I’ve always thought of myself as a warm caring person. All I ever wanted was to have the opportunity to be someone’s best friend and to be there for them through it all- the hard times and good. I want to be able to share my heart with others and touch them in a way that I know I’ve impacted their lives for the better. All I’ve ever wanted to be in life is an inspiration.

So many things in the world inspire me- from that little dent in the wall, to that snag in a cozy sweater. Paintings, quotes, colors, they all have a different meaning. Celebrities can impact your lives in ways you could never imagine. Just look at how much Ellen Degenerous, my biggest inspiration, has overcome in her life. If anyone can show you that you can be successful and overcome bullying, it has to be her. I can’t imagine the amount of hate she received when she publicly announced that she was gay. Society has finally lost the energy to hate on that tiny little character trait. Ellen is a wonderful person with a heart of pure gold. When you need help, no matter how big, Ellen lends a helping hand. I hope to one day touch the amount of lives that she has helped change. 
I’ve wanted to be famous for as long as I can remember, but I never quiet knew what I wanted to be famous for. My talents change from time to time, but the desire to be famous is driven by the opportunity to become an inspiration. If I could inspire one person to be a better version of themselves- who knows what they could become and whose lives they could touch. I know someone inspired Ellen to be the person she is today. As a wonderful young girl Rachel once said “you never know when you may just start a chain reaction”. I believe the same goes for inspiration.
I feel my true calling in this world is to let other bully victims see suicide is not the answer. If I chose to take my life over what keeps happening to me, like many of my peers do, I would never have the opportunity to be an inspiration to anyone. I want to be an example of life after bullying. Its not every day that you seeing a bully victim “success” story so to speak. Why can’t I be the person to change that? 
My thoughts keep me up at night. I know without over analyzing each and every little detail that goes on in my life, I probably wouldn’t be half the person I am today. My past follows me everywhere- its baggage I can’t get rid of. Without that baggage always on my shoulder I’d have nothing to push me to be a better person. I’m not ashamed of anything I have done in the past because I’m not ashamed of being myself. In fact, I couldn’t be more proud of myself for having the courage to continue to be the real me. Don’t ever be afraid of who you are! There will always be haters and you’ll always have supporters. The important thing is to allow yourself to reminisce on your day and be proud of the amazing person you are. Nothing can come in the way of your dreams unless you let it. You’re bullied, not broken.